“What the hell’s going on here?” “Oh no, not hell Mr.That’s not actually good news, is it?” “No. Because unless I’m hallucinating… there’s a Landcruiser over there flipping his highbeams at us.” “You’re hallucinating.” “Oh, well the good news is we don’t have to worry about these alligators. “Cryil, if you call Isis I will literally literally murder you, alright? I’d rather die than sit through another one of Lana’s big ‘I told you sos.’ At least you get to bang her.” “Well, you seem to be feeling better.” “Hang on.But he just kept slapping me until I did it.” “Jesus.” “Seriously. And daddy made me take a big ole bite out of it’s heart.” “Oh my God. “I am not calling for an extraction!” “Look, just because Lana makes you feel insecure in your masculinity-” “Mascu- look who’s talking.” “Oh for- Cyril, when I was ten years old I killed a bear.” “Nah-uh.“Krieger! I need you to… Krieger? Krieger?!” “Yep? Yep yep yep?” “Whatever unspeakable thing you’re doing back there can wait.” “Well, you say that-” “Yes, I do and I just did.”.If there’s any bullets left after I murder both of you.” “Why me?” “It’s number 2 on my bucket list.” Can you hand it to me please?” “To… use as a signal?” “Yeah, maybe. “Are you sh*tting me? Bionic legs and you lifted with your back? Cyril, my guns in the gear bag.On bionic legs.” “Oh right.” “God da*n it Ray!” “I forgot!” “How do you forget you have bionic legs?”
“Hey, I’m not doing super great here.” “Well I could use some help.” “I would, but I, I can’t feel my hands.” “I meant Ray.“Ew.” “Oh boy.” “What? But it’s good, right? If my body’s throwing up the poison?” “It might be.Is my dick gonna be ok?” “Well the danger there is cyotoxins, which can cause severe necrosis.” “Nec- So my dick’s gonna fall off?” “Maybe.” “Aaagh!” “But the bigger danger is neuro and cardiotoxins, which can cause respiratory failure, cardiac arrest-” “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!” “So the most important thing is for you to stay calm.” “You can’t tourniquet the taint.” “But, wait.Sucking your taint.” “Ok, so Cyril… Better chapstick it up, buddy.” Time’s kind of a factor here, so-” “I am not. “I want it officially on record that I am strongly opposed to this mission.” “What record?” “Can I at least put something in the newsletter?”.So now we’re paying people to blow up oil pipelines?” “See? Another reason I didn’t send you.” “What? The environment?” “This litterbox? Or Western Europe? Because T-72 tanks aren’t exactly known for their low emissions.” Lana this is a Central Asian, male dominated, xenophobic, puppet-state whose dictator changed the words for bread and Friday to his dog’s name.” “I mean look, I don’t want to sound racist but-” “But you’re gonna power through it.” “Not about you.“Nor do I see how you could possibly think that you are at all suited to a covert mission in Turkmenistan.” “Why? Because I’m black or because I’m a woman?” “Wh-? Pick one.”.It’s like… if you’ve ever seen Jackie Gleason dance.” “So, is that a compliment or…?” “I don’t see how it possibly could be.” “Whereas this one, almost impossibly light on her feet.
Which is where?” “Who am I? Lewis and-or Clark?” “Archer!” “Well the last time I saw it it was on the bar in the Athens airport.” “God da*m it.” “Yeah. Because an idiot wouldn’t wipe his a** with our only map.” “No, an idiot would wipe his a** with our only compass.” “Wait.
I’m not the idiot that got us stuck.” “You were driving so, yes, you are exactly the idiot who got us stuck.”
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